Our Journey to Adoption

I cringe at the thought of the inevitable question-- How many kids do you have? To spare the new acquaintance or the cursory conversation being made in the grocery store line, I will answer simply by saying, “One, a beautiful three-and-a-half year old boy.” But in my heart I’m crying five. Five babies, but you only see one, yet my heart will always know five. The first two we lost through miscarriage, the third was adopted, and the last two (twins) were reunified to their biological parents through foster care. I hesitate answering with, “One,” to the stranger because I’m fearful I’m devaluing their lives if I don’t mention them and their stories are worth sharing. But I also acknowledge the wisdom in a simple answer, understanding that not everyone needs to know the depth of the sorrow this story tells. So, I’m going to ask God to guide me with wisdom moving forward--trusting that He will give me the appropriate answer in the moment.

10 years ago, as my husband and I were newlyweds and planning our bright future together, I always figured our kids would be our kids--biologically, they would be short, white, pale, with the hopes of them being athletic, smart, kind, and one being a curly red-headed girl (I mean, we can dream as specifically as we want, right?!). This was the dream. The dream never included loss, heart-ache, and empty arms. But we are believers and know God’s Word says that trials and hardships will come (James 1:2-4), so though we should not have been surprised that sufferings would arise, we were not prepared for them to come in this way.

After 3 years of marriage we excitedly started trying for children. I got pregnant right away and then miscarried after 12 weeks. A long year later we got pregnant again and miscarried after 8 weeks. And then it was quiet . . . I haven’t been pregnant since; instead, these years have been filled with complications from the losses, a few procedures, and an endometriosis diagnosis which can likely prevent me from getting pregnant in the future. In the meantime, we have quickly gotten “behind” as our friends are quickly growing their families biologically. But we have fought hard for joy, asking God to help us celebrate these precious lives that continue to come, and come, and come. He has been kind in answering our prayers, but our hearts have still longed for children of our “own.”

As many couples do, we automatically thought waiting for biological children was the right trajectory for growing our family. Then, in the midst of a brutal pity party I threw myself on my 27th birthday, it hit me-- why wait? We have shared our desires for adopting children in the future and we were as ready as we could be for children, so why not adopt now! After many prayers and full support from our families, we sprinted to an adoption agency and became certified to be foster/adoption parents within a quick 5 months. And then waited . . .

Well, we didn’t have to wait long until the first phone call came-- a 7 day year old boy who would come to us straight from the hospital and be dropped off on our doorstep, just like a stork in the nursery rhymes. That’s all we knew and screamed a quick, “Yes!” We prayed for a newborn. Our desire was to experience each milestone in a child’s life the first time around. We were floored when our first call matched our desires for this is NOT common. As we learned more about his case in the following weeks, we were informed that he was the first and only child of a young mom who was blindsighted at the hospital that she would not leave with him. She was eager to bring him home and agreed to attend monitored, weekly visitations and a reunification plan given to her by the county. So, without a clue of what we were doing, we dove in head first. I took baby boy to visitations with his bio mom twice a week for about four months and sat in a small, quiet room with her for hours. Since newborns are pretty inactive, her and I became well acquainted, and by God’s grace built a trusted relationship that we have sustained today. She ended up not fulfilling the plan for reunification that the county set for her, so 21 months later, Cameron became forever ours as we adopted him!

Two years and no biological kids later, we jumped back in the foster care pool and received a call for twin newborn boys! Within hours of the call the twins were placed in our home and our lives were turned upside down! We were in for another unexpected wild ride, and this time on the other side of the spectrum. Their case was initially ruled for a quick adoption, but that was contested and overturned to go reunification. As I write this, we are 9 months deep in this case and are awaiting a court date that will tell us when we have to say goodbye. The last 9 months have been by far the hardest of our lives. We have been challenged in every way--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But I would choose this chaos over the impending quiet that’s to come any day. The thought of raising these boys long term is overwhelming--all their energy, their arguing, all the food they’ll eat, their sports, their smells! Ha! But the thought of not experiencing these exhausting joys is devastating.

But here is what I do know-- this journey has been worth it. I have been beyond blessed to be these boys’ mama and will forever consider myself a “twin mom,” (I mean, if we survived their first year, then I get this title for life, right?!). These boys will forever be etched on my husband and my hearts because they both revealed a deep love we have for them and also revealed our deep brokenness, but we’ve survived, not always thrived, but survived and I believe are stronger now for it. We are going to need some time to heal after they leave. We will need time to figure out our new normal again, but we won’t wait too long before we throw ourselves back on the waiting families list; for, when you see the extent of this need, you can’t take the back seat.  

So, as most of our friends are settling in to their family size, we sit and wait to see what God will do with our family. As said by one of me heros, “Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God,” (Corrie Ten Boom). God knows. He knows what kids will be placed in our home; He knows if we will have a biological baby. He knows, so I can rest and not be anxious over the future (Phil. 4:6). But more importantly, God has given me grace to understand who He is and what He wills of me. God doesn’t care where our children come from or what they look like. He cares that we are being obedient to Him in caring for the orphans (James 1:27) and honoring Him in all we do (Matthew 22:37). Having children isn’t about fulfilling my dream in becoming a mom; it’s about making much of God and teaching children about the great Giver of all good gifts. God has reminded us that life is a gift, my husband is a gift, any child we have the opportunity to love is a gift--none are necessities. God has already given me all things I need in sending His one and only Son, Jesus, to the cross to forgive me of my sins. Not by anything I have done, but by God’s great grace, I have everything I need.

This great truth has changed us in many ways including how we plan for our family. God has given us the greatest joy in serving Him through opening our home to children in need. So whether we have the opportunity to love on more kids or not, I can praise and thank God for making me Mom to these five precious lives, whether growing in me for 12 weeks, being forever ours, or being in our home for 9 months. Through them, I have come to know and appreciate such a greater beauty in life-- the beauty of love without any blood ties and the beauty of the selfless love God, the Father, has given His children, and for that I will be forever changed.

Andrea Burns lives in Riverside, CA with her husband, Brandon, who is a pastor and their adopted son Cameron. Andrea loves being involved in their women’s ministry where she gets the opportunity to disciple young women and teach them about God’s Word. Andrea and Brandon hope to continue to open their home to foster children while also encouraging more families to join them in this journey.